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Monday, April 21st, 2003
12:43 pm - Heart of the matter
She needs to know that it is only her that I care for, that pass loves are just that passed. Another disturbing night, the entire block must know all I sometimes find the time to suspect but never care ! Surely they appreciate snippets of our passion / hate for each other to ruffle there daily routines they call lives. If only she knew how honest I am, but am I being honest with myself ?
That is a very good question no doubt and one I owe some thought to. A situation like this is never going to be black and white without work, some, surely needs to be done if we are to keep relations with an old friend who mistakingly tried to be my lover..
I admit I was disturbed, annoyed and eventually betrayed by a close friend who decided
she was now a Lesbian. She could of put her shoes at the end of someone else's bed. The continual derangement of my senses gave birth to Leroy , my alter ego ,my madness and my space ... They would leave me alone when Leroy set in..
The result of my torment until I found the courage to move into my own 1 bedroom place, such a cute place also, My friend moverd back to Sydney where she belonged and Jimbob moved in with me. Fire consuming your boarding type house will do that I suppose :)
Though happily back in Sydney it was only a matter of time till her insane mother sent her scurrying back, what other choice did she have, Jamie reckoned she loved me. It was ok ... the madness of us three living together, derangement was continual madness was inevitable but I continued to find solace in my island retreat in the company of my little brother. Spending much of my time there since she had returned to Brisbane.
It was only a matter of time before my friened found a ambitious money making girl who obviously needed to be helped out of the closest and her truly deceitful self serving side became apparent. Months in the feat al position, flowers sent interstate and offering to come back. Feelings she had made the biggest mistake of her life. At this stage two 21 year olds who were best friends it may have been easy to feel this way. Why did she have to make it sexual ?, we were so happy the way we were I never longed for more, the thought never crossed my mind.
Maybe it was my fault she was only following her feelings it was I who was in the position to set her straight but I was not the most together individual, courageous and loving with a tormented streak that lay within my sadness. The thing is it was never meant to be. The broken heart was that of a child who had long since left her family and found a friend at that faraway private school she was sent to ... The friend broke her heart through betrayal and the state of disbelief that she left me in, confused entirely, I was never in love with her, not like that. but love her I did she showed me endless attention that was new in itself but now enveloped by a stange useless sadness that could not create passion or hate just emptiness. The broken heart wwas not caused by a lost love as such but a lost friend, and if you cannot trust a friend then who the hell can you ??? Oh dear how fucked she was.
to be continued

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